The old Pucked in the Head Douche-O-Meter has been blaring out Chelsea Dagger like nobody’s business this week. Between Daniel Tosh’s rape joke controversy, the season premiere of Big Brother and Cam Janssen commenting that he would kick the ass of any player he knew was fellating someone, the poor machine hasn’t had a break in days.
Janssen, a Devils enforcer who missed the entire 2012 playoffs with some ailment called “Coach’s Decision”, got onto an internet radio show based out of St. Louis earlier this week and promptly gave the New Jersey PR department a migraine. Here are some gems from the interview:
Host: “The first time I did a fat chick, a buddy picked me up from a party and I was hung over and he goes, ‘Do you realize what you just did?’ … I would imagine it’s something like that. It’s like you had a chance, and then it’s like …”
Janssen: “Damn fat broads, man.”
Host: “So the L.A. Kings are the fat broads?”
Janssen: “They are. They’re the fat broads that you regret bangin’, and I’ve been there and done that.”
This quote is apparently about the Devils losing to the Kings in the finals. I’m not sure how the metaphor works, precisely, as it seems to imply that Janssen and the devils scored.
Janssen: “But you wanna be scary. You wanna put the fear of fuckin’ God in people’s eyes, and not just, ‘Oh, I’m gonna beat you up’ — no, ‘I’m gonna catch you with your fuckin’ head down and hurt you because you’re not gonna know I’m comin’, because I know how to hit.’ Fighting guys is one thing because I know, ‘Oh, I won’t fight you. I’ll just turtle.’ Whatever. But if you have the puck and you know how to hit and you can hurt guys with hits like I know how to do, that’s what puts the fear of God into people.”
Know what puts the fear of God into head coaches? Playing Cam Janssen in a playoff game. That’s why Peter de Boer chose not to.
Janssen: “There’s some shit-talkin’ that goes down that pisses some people off. There’s a lot of personal shit, man, like, guys know personal shit. … You wanna get in people’s heads to get them off their fuckin’ game and don’t get me wrong, you don’t wanna go too deep with shit because we all have our issues here. Let’s be honest.”
Host: “But if the guy was suckin’ cock four weeks ago, you’re gonna let him know about it?”
Janssen: “Oh, if he’s suckin’ cock, he’s gettin’ his ass kicked.” [laughter]
HAHAHAHAHA. HAHA. HA. Seriously, is there anything funnier than a bunch of homophobes laughing about beating up gay people? This was, for obvious reasons, the quote that irked quite a number of people. Now, because Janssen is a public figure, he will probably issue a public apology that doesn’t ring sincere. Let’s see what happens:
“Earlier this week, I participated in an Internet-based radio show in which I used some poor judgment, which I now regret. The New Jersey Devils were unaware of this interview, which I arranged myself.
“I would like to apologize for my poor choice of language. The tone of the interview was very casual and off-color, and I lost focus on what is and is not acceptable and professional. I am deeply sorry to anyone who was offended by my language. Moving forward, I hope to eliminate that type of language from my vocabulary. I would also like to take this chance to express my support for the work the You Can Play project is doing, and for the gay community in general.
“I apologize for the embarrassment my comments have caused to the New Jersey Devils management, as well as my teammates.”
Hey, presto! All is forgiven. Only, wait, if you read this “apology” again, you’ll find it contains no remorse whatsoever. “I’m sorry if you’re offended by my language?” I’m not offended by your language, Cam! I cuss like a fucking sailor. I couldn’t care less about your use of the word “cock”. It’s the bigotry behind the words that I’m concerned about, and you’ll have to forgive me if I wait until I hear you apologize for THAT before I concede that you’ve made any attempt to rectify this situation.
It’s great that you suddenly support the efforts of You Can Play. It’s great that you now generically support the gay community. Barring any specifics of how you plan on supporting them, I’m going to assume that the candid interview, not the proofread press release, is how you really feel. Please prove me wrong.