This past weekend, the Whitecaps were down in San Jose to take on the Earthquakes. Not counting the California-based friends and family of several Whitecaps players, there were about forty fans (most of them Southsiders) that made the trip down for the game. Some of them flew down. I, and about twenty others, to the shock and horror of most people we told, drove. How does one pull off such a road trip in only three days? Read on.

Pre-trip Preparation: Acquire an almost pathological obsession with your favourite sports team. The trip is facilitated by the presence of an organized supporters group filled with similarly obsessed people. If such a group does not exist, I recommend creating one. Safety (and sanity?) in numbers.

5:30am Friday: Arise, shower, stumble to meeting point where mandatory person with large vehicle picks you up. (Thanks, Steve!) If unable to get Friday off work, consider going completely off the deep end and leaving at 4pm that afternoon.

7:00 am – 9:30 pm: Drive. Continue driving until you need to stop for something emergent like a bathroom break or imminent starvation. The less you eat, the fewer bathroom breaks you’ll need. Rotate drivers. Unless current driver is in a groove, then let him drive.

10:00 pm: After all that driving, you’ll need a beer. Or three. I highly recommend the Yardhouse Taphouse in San Jose. The Yardhouse does NOT serve proper 20 oz. pints. This is actually a good thing, as it allows you to sample more of their 125 draught beers without killing yourself. Holy shit.

12:00 – 8:00 am: Sleep.

8:00 am: Arise. Shower. Attempt to go eat pancakes. Realize that literally all 300 million+ Americans go to IHOP on Saturday morning. Go next-door to Bennigan’s, which is licensed, makes a mean chorizo breakfast burrito and is bizarrely empty. Semi-optional: drink more beer. (Shut up, it’s 12:00 somewhere.)

10:30am – 3:00pm: Kill time. Shop. Don’t worry about seeing the sights in San Jose, as there aren’t any. Go back to the hotel and get ready for the game.

3:00pm-5:30pm: Eat and drink. This time at Rosie McCann’s Irish Pub, because they’ll take reservations. (McCann’s? Irish? Alright.) Sit on the patio. It’s California.

5:30 – 6:30pm: Travel to stadium. Try and figure out why someone would do this to their vehicle.

6:30 – 7:30pm: Assemble. Enter stadium. Convince incredulous television producers that, yes, we all make our home in Vancouver and made our way down just for this game. Mock the Earthquakes mascot. Seriously, what the hell is this thing?

7:30 – 9:30pm: Bring the noise. Make fun of doofuses who showed up for an Earthquakes game in full Niners gear. How’d that Super Bowl work out for you, jackass? Try and figure out how Chris Wondolowski gets that open all the time. Seriously. Maybe try following that guy around. He scores goals. Notice that all the bouncing has caused one of my shoes to become untied. Tie my shoelaces without the aid of a teammate, which is a task apparently beyond the capabilities of  Victor Bernardez and Alan Gordon. Go crazy when Corey Hertzog poaches a goal while Bernardez and Gordon are still trying to figure out how the “bunny ears method” works. Basically forget about trying to sing or chant in the last five minutes due to the craziest Whitecaps finish since SKC at Empire in 2011. Reo-Coker’s perfectly clean tackle. Amazing. The uncalled foul on Camilo in the box. The offside on Hurtado that the linesman called from ten feet behind the play. Horrendous. The San Jose flurry at the end that somehow didn’t result in a goal. How? I don’t know. I even watched the replays and I’m still not sure. What a game.

10:00 pm: Back to Bennigan’s for dinner and more beer.

12:00 – 6:30 am: Sleep.

6:30 am: Arise. Shower. Stumble to lobby.

7:00 am – 11:30 pm: Drive. Continue driving until you need to stop for something emergent like a bathroom break or imminent starvation. The less you eat, the fewer bathroom breaks you’ll need. Rotate drivers.  No, really. This time you should actually rotate your drivers.

Many thanks to everybody who made the trip, especially Steve for providing the truck, and Scott, Duncan and Don for making 29 hours in three days more than bearable. That’s every west coast MLS stadium ticked off of my list now. Time to start working my way east!