All posts by Russell Arbuthnot

Articles, Soccer

The Top 5 of 2015 – Muting Seattle

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Whitecaps Wednesday

There’s nothing like an extended break to emphasize just how vital our journalisming is to people the World over. Countless emails, telegrams and letters flooded the PITH offices, pleading for our glorificous return to the keyboards and demanding more content. I replied to a couple of them, asking them to remain patient while I worked on developing a whole new lexicon of words like “journalisming” and “glorificous” and only upon its completion would we be able to rebegin to unleash our brand of ridiculous bullshit in written form to the masses.

I’m pleased to report that that time has arrived. The first (soccer-related) post of 2016 belongs to me and, although it be brief, it is time to take a look at the Whitecaps’ top 5 games (as decided by me) from the 2015 season. We’ll kick off this new endeavour by rehashing the happenings of August 1, 2015 when the Whitecaps dispatched the ol’ Seattle Sounders at CenturyLink Field in dominating fashion thanks to an unlikely hero.

Continue reading The Top 5 of 2015 – Muting Seattle →

Soccer

Playoffs Clinched, Midfield Pinched

As we sat on Saturday night watching the Whitecaps piss another one away, Jason and I got to talking. He imparted upon me that he felt the Whitecaps recent string of poor performance was simply the manifestation of their historical tendency to eat shit through the summer. Only this time, a deeper roster and improved coaching had helped keep the swoon at bay, however the shit eating was nevertheless inevitable.

Jordan Harvey prepares to lay down a sweet one-touch pass to Christian Techera. Photo by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.
Jordan Harvey celebrated the birth of his first child on early Wednesday morning before playing a full 90 versus FC Dallas. Congratulations Jordan & Kimberly and welcome to the world Harlow! Photo by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.

He may be right. But if this were a multiple choice exam curated by one of my current professors, he’d actually be wrong because there is no “correct” answer anymore, just the “best answer.” Hey, maybe we should try educating students, rather than deceiving them? Just a suggestion. Anyways, I digress. Read on as I fill in Jason’s holes. In his theory, I mean. You sicko.

Continue reading Playoffs Clinched, Midfield Pinched →

Articles, Soccer

Slap-A-Cap or How To Keep Your Pants Up

I always thought suspenders were used to hold your pants up, to provide you with a feeling of security while letting the world know that:

  1. you have lost weight;
  2. you don’t know how to purchase appropriately-sized pants for yourself;
  3. you accessorize to appear unique.

Suspenders are a worthy yet unceremoniously goofy alternative to a belt that some, usually the over-80 demographic, still choose to employ, presumably because belts and sized waistbands hadn’t yet been invented when these people started dressing themselves. Suspenders are supposed to, you know, help.

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John Lithgow is the epitome of style and grace. Photo found on google.

In professional soccer, however, suspenders are quite different. They don’t protect you. They don’t offer you security. Their purpose is to expose you, to strip you bare and leave you hanging.

The MLS suspenders left Carl Robinson and his squad unsheathed after a pair of red cards sent Matías Laba and Kendall Waston to the showers early last weekend.

Continue reading Slap-A-Cap or How To Keep Your Pants Up →

Articles, Soccer

The Turn Towards The Top

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Mauro Rosales and his teammates are getting used to celebrating these days. Photos by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.
Mauro Rosales and his teammates are getting used to celebrating these days. Photo by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.

There was a time when I wrote articles on this website that garnered reaction from the public (I still remember you 2014!), and most often of the negative variety. Perfect. In particular, I have authored two pieces that seemingly turned people off more than a pants-optional wet t-shirt competition featuring all three male Pucked In The Head contributors. And if you know us, you know that “pants optional” is just a politer way of saying “nudity mandatory.”

Anyhoo, the two pieces I’m referencing both kind of centre around the same subject – none other than the Whitecaps’ previous man in charge: Martin Rennie. The first was a scathing review of the Scotsman’s insistence on including Jun Marques Davidson in the Whitecaps lineup. The guy was horrible and I stand by that.

Could Jun Marques Davidson get a look in the midfield with Russell Teibert away on international duty? Only time, and Martin Rennie's pre-game press releases, will tell. Photo by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.
Jun Marques Davidson, pictured here, playing horribly.  Photo by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.

The second, which now seems slightly contradictory, was a show of support to the former manager. In “A Rennie Saved is a Rennie Earned,” I extolled the virtues of the coach and attempted to coax the Whitecaps front office that the man was in a growing phase, much like the team itself. The Caps had improved under him each year and had some good pieces in place despite missing the MLS playoffs in 2013.

At that point in time, after going through coaches like weekdays, I felt the team’s best move was no move at all. Stable leadership had been elusive through their earliest MLS years and perhaps it was time to allow those in charge the opportunity to work and learn their way through the struggle. I suppose, with the promotion of Rennie’s assistant Carl Robinson, the Whitecaps did just that, albeit in a roundabout way.

Continue reading The Turn Towards The Top →

Articles, Soccer

Summertime & The Winning’s Easy

Whitecaps Wednesday

The Whitecaps’ goal parade continued on Saturday as they poured in four against Western Conference foes Real Salt Lake. The four-spot gives them ten goals for over their last three games while only surrendering a single goal against in the same time frame.

It was another victory in a game that would have likely offered up a serving of humble pie in years past – Caps fans have become accustomed to never taking “guaranteed win night” for granted much like Dennis Skulsky and the BC Lions – bringing about the notion (for me anyways) that this team is exceeding expectations.

Coach Carl Robinson chants along with the Curva Collective,:"Four goals is not enough, four is not enough!" Photo by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.
Coach Carl Robinson chants along with the Curva Collective: “Four goals is not enough, four is not enough!” Photo by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.

For certain this team has suffered some authentic disappointment season (see June 3, May 23), but on the whole, the squad has taken steps towards becoming the “professional team” all franchises aspire to be. That is, winning games you should and managing to earn results in many that you shouldn’t.

But is this what we had envisioned for the 2015 Whitecaps coming into the MLS season? Let us spew a few words about that.

Continue reading Summertime & The Winning’s Easy →

Articles, Soccer

The Kids Are Alright

Because Jason only allows me to cover Vancouver-based sports teams that carry an above .500 winning percentage, I’ve been taken off the Lions’ beat. So here I be, back to spilling virtual ink on the lovely Whitecaps, who most recently took on the San Jose Earthquakes in MLS competition.

The Vancouver Whitecaps FC beat the pants off the visiting San Jose Earthquakes, 3-1. Photos by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.
Mauro Rosales celebrates the opening goal in a 3-1 victory over the San Jose Earthquakes on Saturday. Photos by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.

After a positive result in Portland, Carl’s Boys came into the game with some confidence, some beer and some toast. Actually, come to think of it, I was the one that came into the game with some beer and some toast. An odd combination that somehow works well together, presuming the toast is homemade multi-grain sourdough and buttered exactly right. And it was. Oh, it was.

Continue reading The Kids Are Alright →

Articles, Football

More Cheers, Fewer Beers

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Hi, I’m Russell Arbuthnot. You may remember me from such blog postings as “A Rennie Saved is a Rennie Earned” and “Band-Aids and Berber.” Typically, my audience (thanks to both my mom and my editor) is used to reading my cogitations on football, but like, the European kind. Here in North America, the colloquial term for the sport is “soccer”, yet our local “soccer” team denotes itself as a “football club” despite playing in Major League Soccer.

It just so happens that we also have another football club in town, which actually plays what is commonly referred to as football in this here continent. The BC Lions F.C. kicked off the 2015 season this past Friday night, providing the first opportunity for the team and fans alike to experience the purported new and improved atmosphere at BC Place.

These dudes weren't in the conference room — they're available for sale at the front counter, though. Photo by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.
A general feeling of over-crowding is exactly what the Lions are looking for this season after closing off the upper deck at BC Place.  Photo by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.

Now, fair reader, you may be asking yourself, “Why is this dolt writing about CFL football?” Good question. Jason asked me to produce a preview for the Whitecaps game versus Kansas City in a limited time frame. Me, being the social butterfly that I am, had committed to a variety of good times the likes of which you would never be invited to, so I just couldn’t make it work. One of these events was the aforementioned Lions home opener, hence the revised assignment request. I was there. I got a free hat. Bonus.

Continue reading More Cheers, Fewer Beers →

Soccer

Comma’n You Girls!

Not too long ago, an article appeared on the beloved Pucked in the Head spotlighting a rather odd request made by the Seattle Sounders. Jason, being the man that he is, took it upon himself to broadcast the faux pas to the masses, not because he wanted to embarrass the Sounders and their supporters, but because it was the right thing to do.

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Must have been served meatloaf.

Surely this was merely an oversight on the Sounders’ marketing and design teams’ parts, and really, who can blame them? Most of us here in North America speak English and Seattle happens to be located approximately 2469.6 miles from the birthplace of the language. That’s a lot of space in which to lose a comma or two during transport. It happens.

But there’s no excuse for the fabricators of this little gem:

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PUNCTUATION OPTIONAL!

With England set to take on our beloved Canadians in the quarter-finals at the Women’s World Cup, the cast of the “Bend it like Beckham” musical decided to counsel us to “Come on [their] girls.” My favourite part of the whole thing is the exclamation point, suggesting their message isn’t merely a prompting, but rather a full-fledged directive with authority.

They probably would have been better off sending their well wishes via show tune and skipping the whole “writing” thing altogether.

Articles, Soccer

Not Enough Wrinkles

Most people don’t really like wrinkles. They tend to be a byproduct of growing old and preliminary research has confirmed that aging has been linked to all sorts of health issues. And if they aren’t representative of aging, they likely signify prolonged exposure to water, which, let’s be honest, is the worst part of prolonged exposure to water.

Think about that last grocery receipt you threw out. It was garbage. Trash. Deemed unworthy to keep amongst your possessions, so you chucked it away. I’d wager that before you tossed it in the trash, you crumpled it up, rendering it into a ball of wrinkled rubbish to reinforce its uselessness.

Where and how most of my articles end up.
Where and how most of my articles end up. Photo found by google searching “crumpled paper.”

Wrinkled carpets are perilous tripping hazards.

Billions of dollars have been spent on developing wrinkle-reversing creams and wrinkle-resistant clothing, because that’s how much we hate wrinkles.

But I’m here to tell you that wrinkles can be helpful. And when it comes to the Vancouver Whitecaps, an extra crease on their complexion might be just what the doctor ordered. Continue reading Not Enough Wrinkles →

Articles, Soccer

Cascadia Comedown

Whitecaps Wednesday

If the Whitecaps have designs on banking a few points at home before heading out on a six-week road trip, it may be wise for them to reengineer their method of doing so. Mind you, for much of the season to date they have been incapable or unwilling to evolve their tactics when the occasion demands it, however now may be a better time than ever to get creative.

In a game that should have been interesting if not intense, the Sounders were far and away the better team in front of the fans at BC Place for the vast majority of the 90+ minutes. The loss comes on the heels of a disappointing draw against Edmonton in Canadian Championship play on Wednesday and did little to alleviate the mounting pressure to perform at home.

Maybe that upcoming lengthy road trip isn’t such a terrible thing after all.

Coach Carl Robinson of the Vancouver Whitecaps FC. Photo by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.
Coach Carl Robinson can’t be pleased with his team’s performances at home this season. Photo by Jason Kurylo for Pucked in the Head.

Continue reading Cascadia Comedown →