Category Archives: Hockey

Articles, Hockey

It’s gonna be a long season

The 2021 Vancouver Canucks are objectively not a good hockey team. Oh sure, once in a while they put together a solid period, but for the most part they’re like the middle Harry Potter novels: a few likeable but wildly inconsistent characters meander through overly long situations. Meanwhile, gaping holes leave even the most devoted fans wondering if and when we’ll see light at the end of the tunnel.

Brock Boeser might lose hockey games, but he sure as shootin’ didn’t lose the genetic lottery, amirite? Here he is doing his impression of a young Brad Pitt from A River Runs Through It. Screen capture from a Sportsnet intermission interview.

Elias Pettersson scored his first goal against the Habs on Saturday, but he has literally stumbled out of the gate so far this season. But even when he’s stayed on his skates, EP40 has looked ever so terrestrial thus far. Here’s an egregious giveaway that turned into a shorty for the rouge, blanc, et bleu:

Petey hasn’t been the only one. The Canucks as a team have been awash in unforced errors, a fact not lost on social media of all stripes.

Here’s last year’s leading scorer, JT Miller, showing us why his return was what this Canucks team needed to get off to the races. Oh. Wait.

The only bright spot this season has been Bo Horvat, whose five goals in seven games positions has him tied in the early race for this year’s Rocket Richard trophy. Not only is he milking that bumper spot on the power play like a young Mike Bossy, Horvat is getting up in the grill of opponents who take liberty with Vancouver goalkeepers:

Okay, but back to that Bo Horvat, Goal Scorer thing for a minute. It is imperative that the Canucks build multiple looks into the power play. When teams take away the Pettersson one-timer, or when Pettersson is in a funk and misfires, or when the mother ship comes to take Pettersson back to Planet Hockey, this beautiful tic-tac-toe routine has to do the heavy lifting. And in the first seven games, both Canuck wins dumped freaking pianos on this play’s back.

No matter what happens between the pipes at the other end, however, Vancouver needs some serious work on the back end. Even if it’s the lowly Ottawa Senators, giving the opposition this much open ice is going to end badly for the good guys:

I’m not sure this one is Holtby’s fault.
That’s what we in the biz call a shitty line change.

Coverage like this, coupled with all of those giveaways mentioned earlier, is unacceptable in fricking beer league. This despite the fact that the Canucks have well over $20 million wrapped up in their top seven defenders. Good citizens, that’s more than a quarter of the salary cap!

Screen grab from https://www.capfriendly.com/teams/canucks.

I enjoy chaos as much as the next guy — well okay, maybe not as much as Jeff Marek — but frankly this team is lacking what we call in soccer, ‘shape’. At any given time, a team with good shape is in a position to react to their opponent. If there’s a loose puck, there’s a player nearby to go after it. If there’s an attack, a defender can mitigate the situation. If there’s a chance to advance, there’s a player ready to move forward.

Good teams support the puck; that means, when your defenceman pinches into a forward position, you cover their patch of ice. If you’re defending a two-on-one, you don’t slide feet first into the corner; you take away the pass and diminish the puck carrier’s options. And for crying out loud, you don’t give a talented goal scorer like Tyler Toffoli acres of open ice to play around in on multiple occasions over a three-game stretch. The Canucks are successfully executing pretty much none of these things for long stretches at the moment. Like a minivan full of toddlers, they seem to just pile onto the ice whenever their number is called and mindlessly chase the puck en masse until the referee stops play.

As a result, the Canucks have allowed 33 goals in just seven games. That’s not just worst in the NHL, it’s the worst by a full 10 goals. Edmonton is atrocious and sit at 30th overall, and they’ve only given up 23 goals in that same span.

There may only be 56 games on the schedule this year, but if this continues, it’s gonna be a helluva long year for Canucks fans.

Articles, Hockey

Alberta Bound (and Gagged)

We wondered which Vancouver team would show up for game four in Calgary: the grimy, grindy, gritty crew that forces chances and supports the puck, or the listless, lazy, l… whatever other l-words belong here team that takes penalties and gives up five goals a game. As it turned out, the answer was both.

Don’t let the door hit you on the way out, you red four-point bastards.

During the first period, the Canucks dogged every puck carrier, they dug the puck out of the corners, and they did all the little things that win hockey games. They hustled, they hit, and Adam Gaudette alone had a bushelful of chances, but that damned Markstrom fella turned away his two breakaways and a glorious one-timer like an Albertan offered a mask at a grocery store.

They did manage to score. Yes, they scored! (Well, not on the power play. Jacob Markstrom had to make some spectacular stops, though. That’s good, right?) After 40 shots over three and a half periods, Jake Virtanen was GOOD FROM DOWNTOWN. Sadly, this ain’t basketball, so his 70-footer only counted for one point.

At least the People Who Wear Orcas had one thing to celebrate this night.

The lack of a three-point line in the ice hockey came back to haunt the Canucks, because after dominating the period — their best in this short 2021 season thus far — they held a huge edge in shots but were only one puck up on the stinkin’ beefeatin’ saddledomin’ Calgary Flames.

In the second period, Calgary killed an early penalty, then just… I’m sorry, this is very emotional. Vancouver had 16 shots in the first period, but only 11 the rest of the way. The Flames, they just… well, they took over. They put four past Thatcher Demko, who’s now allowed nine goals in two starts, and added a fifth into an empty net.

Vancouver has given up seven goals on 21 power plays so far this season, tied for 28th overall. They’ve scored exactly zero times on 15 chances of their own, which ties them for *checks notes* dead last in the NHL. Them numbers’re what we in the business call a bad combination.

Lost in all of this is the fact that Elias Pettersson looks like his mind isn’t on the game. Not even the return of JT Miller was able to break him out of the funk. At one point in the first period, Pettersson and Brock Boeser had a two-man breakaway on Markstrom, and he looked positively flabbergasted when a pass came his way. It wasn’t the best pass, I’ll admit, but come on buddy, that kind of thing is your bread and butter. You’re not supposed to stutter step and nearly fall down as the puck screams into the corner… You’re the ALIEN, dammit. Dive. Make magic. DO YOUR DEKES ALREADY, PETEY.

Long story short, the Canucks have now played three good periods of hockey in 2021. Alas, those three periods have occurred over a four-game stretch. That 1-3 record is precisely where this squad deserves to be right now.

Naming the divisions after corporate entities is perhaps the most egregious evidence of Gary Bettman’s status as a Shill with No Soul. (Translation: let’s talk about anything but the fact that even Ottawa is above Vancouver in the standings just now. OTTAWA.)

Articles, Hockey

Good news and bad news…

The good: Jacob Markstrom was solid in the shutout win, and Chris Tanev blocked like a bazillion shots and helped shut down the opposition’s top line.

The bad: those guys play for the Calgary Flames now.

Goaltender Jacob Markstrom, 30, and defenseman Chris Tanev, 31, are accused of stealing Vancouver Canuck fans’ hearts. The two men are believed to be hiding out, along with two-way winger Josh Leivo, in Calgary, Alberta. They are considered talented and dangerous. Mugshots from NHL.com.

Over the first three games, we’ve seen three very different looks from the Vancouver Canucks. In game one, the squad arrived in Edmonton with their lunchbuckets firmly in hand. From the top of the roster to the bottom, they skated hard, they bumped & ground, and they flummoxed an Oilers team that is by most measures more talented. Every player on the scorecard was dangerous, so the Oil didn’t know where to focus. Result: 5-3 win.

In game two, the good guys let Edmonton dictate play. Yes, the Canucks have some talent — elite talent, even, in Quinn Hughes and Elias Pettersson — but they just ain’t going to keep up with a roster full of Connor McDavids, Leon Draisaitls, Kailer Yamamotos, and Ryan Nugent-Hopkinses. Without the bottom six doling out hits and otherwise worrying the Oiler D, the Canuck top six found themselves working without the puck, and without much movement when they did get it. What I said above, re: ‘more talented’. Result: 5-2 loss.

Game three against the Calgary Flames saw a lot of shots both ways, but not much movement. Last season, mostly in the first half of the schedule, the Canucks feasted on the man advantage. Petey, Hughes, Brock Boeser, JT Miller, Bo Horvat… They buzzed the zone, putting the heads of penalty killers on pikes and turning opposition goaltenders dizzy. So far this year? Not so much. Here’s a video of the Canucks power play against Calgary:

Okay this is not a video, but it might as well be: the Canucks power play has gone 0-fer on the season so far, largely due to NO MOVEMENT WHATSOEVER. Newell Brown, whither your power play?

The Flames, by contrast, scored thrice when up a skater. Frankly the Canucks made it easy for Jacob Markstrom in his first game against his old club. Hopefully before game four, Travis Green reminds them that Marky isn’t their goalie any more; this isn’t warmup, and their job ain’t to shoot at 70% into his pads. Result: 3-0 loss.

Game four goes tonight, and JT Miller is back. Will he prove to be the stick that stirs the drink, as Vancouver sports radio has desperately posited the past couple of days? Or will the Canucks quickly fall to 1-3 and be an early front-runner for a lottery spot in the draft? Only four teams make the playoffs in the North (Canadian) Division. If Vancouver plays like it did in game one, they’ve got a shot at the post-season. If they put in efforts like we saw in games two and three, this year will feel a lot longer than 56 games.

On another note, what is it with the massive, yet subtle orca logos on Braden Holtby? Are these painted onto his equipment?

Braden Holtby sports a gorgeous new mask, but his nipples are about to be eaten by orcas. Screen capture alt-shift-4ed from SportsnetNOW.

Out of town, the best-looking team so far has been the Habs. Like, les mains vers le bas. What the Canucks did in game one, the Habs have done in three straight. Sure, they lost the opener to the dirty rotten stinkin’ Maple Leafs, but they were unlucky to do so, the tying goal literally bouncing into the slot off the referee to let Toronto back in it. Marc Bergevin has put together an entertaining, uptempo roster, and don’t be surprised if Montreal wins this division going away.

Did a double take when Joe Thornton scored his first as a Maple Leaf the other night. Everyone talks about “Old Man Joe”, and that beard speaks to a thousand years of growth, experience and wisdom, so it was no surprise when announcers said he was the second-oldest player to ever score a goal in a Leafs uniform. The part that hurt? At 41 years, 198 days of age, Old Man Joe is 8.5 years younger than I am.

Joseph Eric Thornton of the St Thomas, Ontario Thorntons was born in 41 BCE.
Articles, Hockey

Clutch my pearls that’s pretty

Dave Tippett tore the Oilers a new one after Wednesday’s opening night loss. He lit into them for playing a complacent game, giving up on plays, and donating scads of open ice to Canuck forwards. He may or may not have used a few o’ them fancy cuss words that Nicholas Cage is talking about over on the Netflix. When he was done, he stomped out of the dressing room. The rest is ridiculous.

How Connor McDavid doesn’t score 100 goals a year boggles the mind. This guy’s skillset is ridiculous. Photo cribbed from the Oilers website.

Long story short, Connor McDavid and the rest of the Oilers big guns were having none of the Canucks bullshit in game two. McDavid lit the lamp once, twice, thrice, Ryan Nugent-Hopkins scored a brace, and Leon Draisaitl put up four assists. It was a track meet, okay? But who are we kidding, it’s the Chosen One we need to discuss here.

The Canucks had a decent start, at least. Thatcher Demko made a couple of spectacular saves, the top line had a couple of power play looks, and the good guys were down just 1-0 with 2.5 seconds left in the first. Then, well, this happened.

Okay, we knew the Canucks wouldn’t keep McDavid goalless all season. After the intermission, they came out buzzing, Nate Schmidt lasered his first as a Canuck, whooping into the empty stands like Ric Flair gone wild… and then somebody queued up Sweet Georgia Brown.

Ain’t nobody stopping that.

After that, it was a track meet. And when you run against the fastest guy on the planet, you lose.

You can’t blame Demko tonight. He made 41 saves against one of the most potent offenses in the league. The guy at the other end of the ice, though, Mikko Koskinen, made 38 saves on 40 tries. Count ’em up, and McDavid scored one more than the entire Canucks team.

Full game highlights here:

Articles, Hockey

Undefeated in 2021

The Canadian Division has pundits and advertisers in this country licking their chops. it’s socially distanced, masked, and sanitized, of course, but make no mistake: thar be choplickin’ in them thar office towers. Thanks to COVID-19, the Great White North is guaranteed a team in the Stanley Cup semi-finals. Not many people have the Canucks making hay this year — of course, Sportsnet is positively salivating at the possibility of their beloved Leafs in the final four — but on opening night, at least, they made a pretty good case for themselves.

Vancouver and Edmonton have some of the most dynamic young players in the league. They both had lethal power plays last year, but with JT Miller on the sidelines with a possible Covid exposure, you had to give the edge to the dirty rotten stinkin’ Oilers coming into the game. In many ways, this felt like a pre-season game. There were jelly legs, there were gaffes, and there were lapses at both ends.

Bo Horvat scored the first Canucks goal of the season. Photo ruthlessly swiped from the interweb.

But there was also Tanner Pearson finding Bo Horvat to open the scoring. Adam Larsson missed his assignment and gave the captain so much room he was able to open a Covid screening clinic between the face off dots before going blocker on Mikko Koskinen. Hey Dave Tippett, do you even defense, bro?

There was Adam Gaudette causing a stink and chipping in with some secondary scoring when the top line was still finding their stride. It is always satisfying to see the Oilers go from swagger to slump in a couple of minutes’ time.

There was also Brayden Holtby, keeping Connor McDavid and his ridiculous hands off the score sheet. This is a guy who has averaged two points a game in season openers since he came into the NHL, and he went bagel against the Canucks this night. I don’t need Holtby in the Vezina conversation to enjoy this season — and frankly with the way the Oilers burned him high glove twice tonight that likely isn’t in the cards anyway — but damnation was it fun to see 97 dipsy doodle through three or four players but not rack up a half dozen points in the process.

Brayden Holtby looked good in his orca blue debut. Photo cribbed from Canucks Twitter feed.

And there was Quinn Hughes, too, looking positively mortal for 40 minutes, then laying two spectacular plays upon us — both resulting in wicked Brock Boeser wristers in the back of the net. After a little shake and bake along the blue line, Hughes got dumped on his ass and pinned by Kailer Yamamoto. After a few players overskated the puck, Hughes, seated and facing in the opposite direction, backhanded a blind pass to Boeser, who was quarantining in the Oiler slot. Like, seriously, Edmonton, twice in this game you left white shirts embarrassingly alone with your goaltender.

Quinn Hughes used Jedi mind tricks to force four different players to miss the puck before backhanding a pass to Brock Boeser all alone in the slot. From a seated position while facing his own net. Pixelated screen shot grabbed from an overly expensive game stream.

Oh, there was Nils Höglander busting his butt all night long and getting rewarded with his first NHL goal. If this kid plays half this well half the time, methinks Horvat has finally got a decent winger. The Sportsnet panel was so excited about him after the game I’m pretty sure they think he’s a Leaf.

Thankfully, there was not a defensive scramble every five minutes. Nate Schmidt, Tyler Myers, Alex Edler, and Travis Hamonic all provided solid defending. Olli Juolevi took a few shots for the giveaway that got the Oil on the board, but in all the kid put in some good minutes and didn’t look out of place in the rotation. #23 screened Holtby on at least one of the Edmonton goals, but Edler gonna Edler, you know?

Last but not least, there was Harnarayan Singh making his English-language debut on the national broadcast after serving as the Punjabi announcer since 2008. Growing up in Alberta, this guy knows his hockey, even if he was much more excited for the three Oiler goals than the five put up by Vancouver. Even still, there were no Boninoboninobonino calls this night. Give him time. I’m sure he’ll give us some gold before he’s done.

After 13 years and hundreds of games as the voice of Hockey Night in Punjabi, Harnarayan Singh made his English-language debut in the national play-by-play chair on Wednesday night. The Alberta native did just fine, thank you very much, and gives the country some much-needed visible diversity in its hockey coverage. Photo larceny occurred on the HNIC Punjabi website.

In all, a mildly entertaining opener that resembled a pre-season game as much as anything else. But in a 56-game season, two points is bigger than ever. And unlike the evil plottin’ schemin’ Maple Leafs, the Canucks didn’t give a division rival a Bettman loser point to get them.

Articles, Hockey

Stanley Cup final prediction

I would love nothng more than seeing PK Subban carry the Stanley Cup into Montreal Children’s Hospital. I would totally get behind Pekka Rinne’s name on the Conn Smythe trophy as playoff MVP. I’d even sing along if Carrie Underwood twanged her way through a cover of The Good Ol’ Hockey Game by Stompin’ Tom.

Sadly for @PredsOnTheGlass and all the other country-fried hockey fans in Nashville, it’s not meant to be.

Sidney Crosby is going to lead the Pittsburgh Penguins to back-to-back championships, the first time a team has repeated since Steve Yzerman captained the Detroit Red Wings to consecutive Cups in 1997 and 1998.

The Pens are just too deep, too good, and they’ve been here before. Nashville are rested, yes, but they’ve also had time to cool off since their wins over the underwhelming Blues and the dirty, rotten, stinkin’ Ducks. From Sid and Evgeni Malkin down through rookie Jake Guentzel and beard salesman Nick Bonino, Pittsburgh just gets things done.

Nashville is an impressive unit, and they’ve earned their spot here in the final, but it will take a minor miracle (or some strategic injuries) to unseat the champs. Let’s just hope every single game is good hockey, because thus far this post-season has been damned entertaining. It would be a damned shame if the Preds’ first final appearance — and Sid’s third Cup win — was a dog.

Pens in six.

Sid wore this badass Gladiator helmet after winning the Cup last year. This year, will he go Lord of the Rings?

Articles, Hockey

Round Two Predictions

My calls for the last round were pretty good, actually, all things considered. I tapped the Rangers, Senators, Penguins, Blues, Ducks and Capitals; my only misses came from Edmonton — but the ageing Sharks had injuries across the board, so I give myself a pass on that one — and Nashville — a sweep, seriously? Nobody predicted that.

Record so far: 6-2.

Pekka Rinne played out of his mind for that first round. I mean, did you see this? PK Subban’s energy has to be rousing that locker room just as much as the sea of mustard at Bridgestone Arena, and Peter Laviolette behind the bench has the Preds playing as well as I’ve ever seen them play. Still, the boys from St Loo are just too deep, and it’s Vladimir Tarasenko’s year, methinks. Blues in six.

The addition of Connor McDavid has instilled an actual work ethic in the Edmonton dressing room. For a few years now, they’ve been fun to watch, but half of that was in anticipation of the inevitable self-inflicted immolation. I thought it had happened again when the San Jose Sharks scored a touchdown in Game Four of the first round, but the Oilers impressed with two straight wins directly afterward. All of this points to a Western Conference powerhouse for years to come. However, this year their goaltending is going to let them down. Anaheim can feel the window closing on that core of Ryan Getzlaf, Corey Perry, Ryan Kesler, Jakob Silfverberg and Cam Fowler. I hate to give those shitty webfooted jerseys another round, but I’ve got to call Ducks in six. I’ll be thrilled if the Oil can prove me wrong.

Erik Karlsson is my second favourite NHL defenceman (after Drew Doughty, natch), and Craig Anderson’s personal situation makes the Sens an easy emotional choice. Hell, they’ve even got Alex Burrows gutting out shift after shift to pull on my heart strings. Karlsson is rumoured to be playing on a wonky foot, however, and Burrows is done as far as slaying dragons is concerned. Across the ice is a squad just one year removed from a Stanley Cup loss to the LA Kings; Henrik Lundqvist has all but said that his window is about shut, and Alain Vigneault knows how to get teams deep in this tournament. Rangers in six.

Aha, the pièce de rĂ©sistance. Sidney Crosby versus Alex Ovechkin. So far in their careers, Sid the Kid has owned Ovi8; sure, the big Russian has won more Rocket Richard trophies for scoring the most goals in a single season, but Sid has two Olympic gold medals, a couple of Stanley Cups, a Conn Smythe, and too many other awards to count. Just last year, the Penguins followed Crosby’s lead to one of the strongest second half / playoff combinations we’ve seen in recent memory. This year, Sid was dominant, winning his second career Richard trophy and finishing second in league scoring. The Pens are as deep as the day is long, and are a serious threat to repeat as Cup champions. All of this aside (not to mention Malkin’s 11 first-round points against the Blue Jackets), this is Ovechkin’s year. Brayden Holtby is just plain better than Marc-Andre Fleury between the pipes, and the Caps have TJ Oshie, Kevin Shattenkirk, Nicklas Backstrom… and you never, ever bet against Justin Williams in the playoffs. Caps in the most entertaining seven-game series we’ve seen since the ’94 Canucks-Rangers final.

 

Articles, Hockey

Round One Predictions

Playoff predictions are a fine art. You can put dozens of hours into statistical analysis and go oh-fer, and another year ignore the standings altogether and win your bracket based on jersey colours alone.

Me, I’m going somewhere in-between. Stirring a wee bit of gut instinct in with hardcore hockey knowhow, I’m pretty sure I’ll bat roughly .500 in my ROUND ONE PREDICTIONS:

It’s hard to bet against Carey Price, but the New York Rangers have a stronger roster and better coaching. Give it to the blueshirts: Rangers in six.

Despite his imressive World Cup of Hockey tourney earlier this year (and a hat trick here against the Canucks a few weeks back), Brad Marchand will never get my vote. The Senators, on the other hand, have Craig Anderson and Erik Karlsson. Sens in seven.

John Tortorella may have scared Columbus into contention through the season, but it’s hard to believe he can conjure serious playoff mojo — especially when Crosby & Co. are skating the other way. Make it five series in a row for Pittsburgh. Pens in five.

Minnesota Wild fans have some wonderful things to cheer for this year, and may just get some playoff payoff sometime soon, but the Blues are just too dangerous to ignore. Tarasenko scores six goals and threatens many, many more times than that. Blues in six.

There`s been little more exciting this year than Connor McDavid`s emergence as the league`s premier scoring threat. Edmonton, after so many years of pathetic play, is finally more than just happy to be here. Still, San Jose has too much to work with at both ends of the ice; their goaltending is the difference. Sharks in seven.

Like McDavid, Auston Matthews is fantastic. However, Leaf Nation will need another couple of years before they can turn playoff towels into playoff wins. Alex Ovechkin, on the other hand, might just win his Cup this year. (Can`t you just taste that White House visit, you Big Russian?) Caps in five.

Nashville always plays Chicago hard, and Pekka Rinne can steal a few games for the Predators at any moment. I would love to see PK Subban go a few rounds just to snub the idiot Habs for trading him away. That said, the Blackhawks are still the class of the league on paper, and they`ve got enough Cup pedigree on the roster to preclude any bets for those ugly yellow shirts across the hall. Hawks in six.

Calgary should just stay home. Ducks in five.

Articles, Hockey

A Series of Unfortunate Decisions – The Promising Prospect

Dear Canucks Fan,

You have no doubt become aware of this, yet I still feel it necessary to warn you that the hockey team you follow is terrible. Languishing low in the league, Vancouver, despite its stated intention of competing for a playoff spot, seems instead destined to once again offer its fans the cold consolation  of a lottery pick.

(My apologies for the Lemony Snicket-style alliteration, I’m just really excited for Neil Patrick Harris as Count Olaf.) Continue reading A Series of Unfortunate Decisions – The Promising Prospect →

Articles, Hockey

Remember Steve Bernier?

Longtime followers of Pucked in the Head might remember that we started out as a podcast called Bernier is a Turd. That was back when Steve Bernier was an overpaid roster spot holder for the Vancouver Canucks. We frequently complained that Mr Turd was a sorry excuse for a hockey forward, and accused him of being a garbage goalmonger of the very worst sort. “He can only score if he’s standing in the crease,” we lamented, “and only then, with no goaltender between him and the goal line.”

Theory: Steve Bernier can only score from here, just not when that guy with the pads is there.
Theory: Steve Bernier can only score from here, just not when that guy with the pads is there.

Turns out we were half wrong.

Bernier now plies his trade in the American Hockey League, for the New York Islanders affiliate Bridgeport Sound Tigers. As the Hartford Wolf Pack pressed to tie a 3-2 game late in the third period, our man Steve lay down, angling his shin pads just so, to block a point shot from Ryan Graves. The puck bounced, ricocheted, rebounded, even caromed the length of the ice into the Hartford net. There was indeed no goaltender, as the Pack had opted for an extra attacker. But we admit — Bernier can, indeed, hit the net from outside the crease.

You can’t say he didn’t do it on purpose.

If you liked this, check out our Weird Goals post. Oh, and its sequel, Weird Goals II.