If you’re among the gross majority of the human population currently, sweltering under record temperatures, there are two things on your mind:

1) “George W. Bush and his scienceless brethren are idiots for denying the existence of climate change. Crack a frickin’ window, you brain-dead zealots!”

2) “I just wish there were a way for me to play summer hockey while kneeling on a sprinkler-surrounded slip and slide!”

Number one, while true, can’t be changed. There will always be blind, power-hungry fools willing to sacrifice their own grandchildren for easy money today. Luckily, I can help you with number two. Just surf to Hammacher Schlemmer, fork over a cool fifty bucks and wait for the postman.