In an age of hyper marketing, intense competition and tightly controlled PR, it’s amazing that truly horrible ideas can still make it past the brainstorming stage. Whether it’s the nightmare of design by committee or just a conflagration of mediocre talents pulling the wool over the eyes of out of touch rich CEOs, we occasionally see awful designs rolled out in an underwhelming explosion of anticlimax. Today, we analyze the most recent NHL obscenity with the resurrection of Somebody Approved This.
Recently, the National Hockey League apparently decided to just give up on their All-Star Game. “Screw it,” I imagine Gary Bettman saying, laying arms crossed inside a coffin while Deputy Commissioner Bill Daly nourishes him with the blood of the eternally youthful Jaromir Jagr. “If the fans want to turn this thing into a farce by voting in an obscure Latvian member of the Buffalo Sabres with 42 career points then we shall give them their farce!” Enter the latest in somewhat sorta hockey jersey-looking apparel. The 2015 NHL All-Star jersey, brought to you by Zellers.
Jersey: One of those vaguely knock-off looking but probably legitimately licensed “jerseys” that you find in places like Walmart, Winners and other trusted retailers. Something that the NHL apparently paid real people real money to design for its best players to wear in its annual tribute to adult safe hockey leagues everywhere.
Years worn: 2015
Reaction: 
Most famous players to wear it: Sidney Crosby.
Why it’s great: Wearing the jersey will not, unlike wearing some of the players who will be wearing this jersey, cause you to contract mumps.
Why it’s garbage: You know, I say that, but then I look at it again and all of a sudden I have painful swelling in one of my salivary glands. Reebok designer Dominic Fillion told NHL.com that part of the thought process (ahem) behind these shirts was to use a colour that nobody had ever seen on a jersey before. Dominic, stop. Just… just STOP. Grab the nearest defibrillator, put one paddle on either temple and administer 400 volts or so in a desperate attempt to get your seven remaining neurons firing together. Now THINK. In 98 years, none of the 37 NHL franchises that have ever existed have thought that this colour scheme would be a good idea. Why, Dominic? Because not many people like algae green, Dominic! Your market is just vegans, Seattle Sounders fans and cyclists who inexplicably can’t find a cheaper high-vis option for night rides. Oh and good job on the crest. Was that you too, Dominic, or does Reebok have an executive designer in charge of making logos illegible with basic photoshop gradients?
Haiku to describe Chris’ feelings when he saw this jersey:
From a Target rack
A jersey most worthy of
Zemgus Girgensons
Other jerseys we can’t believe somebody approved:
Somebody Approved This: Mighty Ducks of Anaheim Retro Jersey
Somebody Approved This: Seattle Sounders 2012 Edition
Somebody Approved This: Canucks Mid-90s Third Jersey
Somebody Approved This: Adirondack Flyers New Years Eve Jersey
Beetlejuice’s aerobics class attire.