In an age of hyper marketing, intense competition and tightly controlled PR, it’s amazing that truly horrible ideas can still make it past the brainstorming stage. Whether it’s the nightmare of design by committee or just a conflagration of mediocre talents pulling the wool over the eyes of out of touch rich CEOs, we occasionally see awful designs rolled out in an underwhelming explosion of anticlimax. We analyze the Canucks’ latest trip to the cash trough with today’s edition of Somebody Approved This.
The act of going retro is, like, so yesterday.
Still, the Vancouver Canucks will break out the ol’ spaghetti jerseys on February 13 to celebrate the 20th anniversary of no longer wearing these black and orange abominations the opening of Rogers Arena. It’s a great excuse to laugh at the Toronto Maple Leafs, who lost a five-game Conference Finals to those awfully dressed Vancouver Canucks back in 1994, but then again the Leafs will only have to see these damned things once. We of Lotusland will have to see a renewed population of black-and-gold fashion faux pas for years to freaking come.
Jersey: Hey, look, I’m as nostalgic as anyone for the days when Trevor Linden wore the C rather than sitting at the President’s desk. And Pavel Bure singlehandedly changed Vancouver from an also-ran to a medallist. It was glorious to witness. But jeez de Bonis, no one else should ever have to pull on that black, orange, yellow and white downhill skate. NO ONE.
Years worn: 1985-1997
Reaction:
Most famous players to wear it: Pavel Bure, Trevor Linden, Markus Naslund, Kirk McLean.
Why it’s great: Until fans decided to hate the Canucks for losing Game 7 of the 2011 finals to the Boston Bruins, the single greatest accomplishment of the franchise was losing Game 7 of the 1994 finals against the New York Rangers. Members of that team, from Cliff Ronning to Jyrki Lumme, from Sergio Momesso to Dave Babych’s moustache, are lauded province-wide as heroes of the highest order. Even mentions of Nathan “I’m That Guy Who Hit the Post” Lafayette cause locals to go all misty-eyed with what-if fervour. For some reason, legions give the Sedins short shrift, but would be glad to carry Pavel Bure’s litter barefoot through streets strewn with thumbtacks if it meant reliving some of those pasketti-jerseyed dreams.
Why it’s garbage: I’d say “Don’t get me started”, but I volunteered for this. For nearly a decade, the Canucks had terrified the league with those dreaded Hallowe’en shirts designed by a German psychotherapist-cum-psychopath from a rejected Mike Myers sketch. When they finally decided to drop the wraparound Vs that had been the laughingstock of pretty much everyone, they didn’t drop the shocking mustard from the menu, but instead dropped the pasta plate from a side dish shoulder patch to an ill-thought entrée on the front of the jersey. BAM! Today’s Canucks team needs a shuttle ride into the future, not a stroll down memory lane. You want to impress me, young Mr Linden? Unless you’re planning to lace ’em up and play with broken ribs — “He’ll play on crutches if he has to! You know he’ll play!” — you won’t do so with this fugly misstep. Bring on Johnny Canuck as a primary logo, and we’ll talk.
Haiku to describe Jason’s feelings when he saw this jersey:
Money making men
Nauseating nostalgia
With parmesan cheese
Other jerseys we can’t believe somebody approved:
Partick Thistle 2015 Mascot
2015 NHL All-Star Jerseys
Mighty Ducks of Anaheim Retro Jersey
Vancouver Millionaires Retro Shirt
Canucks Mid-90s Third Jersey
Adirondack Flyers New Years Eve Jersey
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