As pundits are fond of telling us — and by pundits I mean me and Harrison Mooney — the Vancouver Canucks have a history of helping opponents break out of a slump. So it was with trepidation that fans approached last night’s visit from the league’s doormat Carolina Hurricanes.

That’s right: the Canes are worse than the perennially disappointing Edmonton Oilers, the comically atrocious Buffalo Sabres and the junior-hockey-teams-have-more-fans-than-we-do Florida Panthers. Carolina has exactly zero wins on the season, to match the zero fucks given by most people in Raleigh about the sport of ice hockey — meaning they had the Canucks exactly where they wanted them.

Would the Canucks respond, or would they snooze with les Habitants on the horizon? You’re darn tootin’ they’d respond. It was viewers of Sportsnet that snoozed, but I digress. On with the goals…

Canucks 1, Canes 0: Brad Richardson from Zack Kassian and Shawn Matthias, 1:32 of the first period.

How exciting is a Vancouver-Carolina game in this man’s NHL? Ninety seconds into the game, John Shorthouse says it all: “The Hurricanes with the only shot of the game…” Just then, Shawn Matthias is stick-checked by a pair of Canes at centre ice; he shovels it to Zack Kassian at the blueline. He’s not even stick-checked by a Cane — Ron Hainsey sorta halfheartedly waves at the puck before backing off and giving him room — so he sends Brad Richardson in on a mini-breakway. Jay McClement taps him on the short pants, but Richardson does a good job of taking the pass of his skate, bringing it to the forehand and going high short side on Cam Ward.

Canucks 2, Canes 0: Linden Vey from Radim Vrbata and Henrik Sedin (PP), 0:50 of the second period.

Dear Hurricanes Coaching Staff: I know your part of the country prefers NASCAR to hockey, but I don’t think your penalty kill running around in circles is bound to sell tickets at PNC Arena. Hank and Dank turning Andrej Sekera into a pinwheel before dishing to Vrbata behind the net. His pass goes through Daniel’s legs, and for some reason Jiri Tlusty just decided to tleave tLinden Vey all atlone; Ward is swimming deep in his crease, giving Vey 3/4 of the net to shoot at.

Canucks 3, Canes 0: Jannik Hansen from Yannick Weber and Luca “Yannik” Sbisa, 18:39 of the second period.

Sbisa may never get an easier point. He whiffs on Vey’s backhand pass, but sets the puck bouncing just enough to get it over Jeff Skinner’s stick to Yannick Weber at the far point. His waist-high wrister is honeybadgered south of Ward’s blocker hand by Jannik Hansen, who like Vey is on pace for 27 goals this year (keep in mind the Great Dane had all of 11 red lights under Torts last season).

Canucks 3, Canes 1: Jiri Tlusty from Eric Staal and Jeff Skinner, 11:05 of the third period.

Holy hannah, the Canucks were just as bored as we were by the third period. On this play alone, Daniel Sedin, Kevin Bieksa and Dan Hamhuis all take icenaps. Tlusty steals the puck behind the net and sets Skinner up with so much time and space he debates Neil deGrasse Tyson vs Carl Sagan instead of shooting the puck. The yawngasps of the crowd wake up Hamhuis, who groggily crosschecks Bieksa in the face and stands in Ryan Miller’s way while the puck ricochets back into the slot for Tlusty to finish it all off. Yakety Sax worthy, this goal is.

Canucks 4, Canes 1: Brad Richardson from Alex Burrows and Chris Tanev (EN), 19:43 of the third period.

The Canucks seem to be hitting the empty net so far in this young season. Vrbata and Hansen have both hit the EN column so far, but Richie’s second of the night will probably have the coaching staff happier — with the NHL’s adoption of no-touch icing, a shot from your own zone doesn’t knock as much time off the clock as it used to. Those other two empty netters, spinorama snappers from deep in the Canucks end, very easily could have resulted in late, dangerous defensive zone face-offs instead of goals for, but Richardson took the pass from Alex Burrows and made sure he was past the red line before guiding the puck home. Good on ya, Bradley.