Using techniques developed by my wife’s Mayan ancestors, including sacrificing several bulls under this week’s blood moon, I have determined beyond a reasonable doubt who will win the 2014 Stanley Cup. Unless the sun implodes and Stephen Harper finally reveals that he is now, and always has been, an Amway representative, the San Jose Sharks will leave greasy playoff beard residue on Lord Stanley’s mug.
Because it’s the Cup, I will watch the Boston Bruins and their road show of pulverizing ogres attack the fleet-footed wood elves that are the Chicago Blackhawks.
Because it’s the Cup, I will watch the NHL showcase some of the shakiest referees to appear in playoff history.
Because it’s the Cup, I will scratch my head wondering how in hell the Hawks and Bs had never met in a final before now.
Because it’s the Cup, I will attempt — and most likely fail — to limit the number of times I use the word ‘douche’ to describe Brad Marchand.
Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Glen Healy and PJ Stock make unmitigated fools of themselves using only their words.
Because it’s the Cup, I will watch countless people scream blue murder about whatever comes out of Don Cherry’s mouth.
Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Tukka Rask continue his impressive climb out of Tim Thomas’ borderline racist, definitely bizarre shadow.
Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Corey Crawford continue his impressive climb out of Antti Niemi’s I-can’t-make-an-adjectival-joke-here-because-I-still-feel-like-“Antti-who?” shadow.
Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Marian Hossa play like a frickin’ beast.
Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Zdeno Chara play as a frickin’ beast.
Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Jaromir Jagr make his first Stanley Cup Final appearance in 21 years.
Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Dave Bolland — oh wait, no I won’t, because he pulled a disappearing act this post-season.
Because it’s the Cup, I will watch Jonathan Toews attempt to become just the second player, after Wayne Gretzky, to captain two championship teams before turning 25. Yes, Captain Serious was less than four years old the last time Jagr hit the NHL final round.
Because it’s the Cup, I will applaud these two teams even though they are roundly despised by pretty much every hockey fan in Vancouver.
Because it’s the Cup, I will hope and pray that the Hawks manage to score it up against the Bruins, because we as fans desperately need fast, creative hockey — not plodding, grind-it-out 1-0 yawnfests.
Because it’s the Cup, I will predict that the series winner will be scored by Brian Bickell in game 7 at the United Center.
Heavyweights En Masse
More after the break.
Continue reading Quickies: Heavyweights En Masse, Team Can’tada & the 40-Year-Old Version
Ever wanted the ear of an NHL bench staffer? This lucky fan got the next best thing, as Boston Bruins assistant coach Geoff Ward emptied his ear canal into his beer glass. The only consolation is that it was just shitty arena beer, anyway.
You’re welcome.
By Jim Chliboyko, Pucked in the Head’s official Winnipeg correspondent. Yes, he actually lives there. And yes, for our American readers, they have indoor plumbing and central heating. No, they don’t live in igloos. Well, not all of them anyway. Consider this a companion piece to our first round picks, posted yesterday.
I’m especially well-positioned to pre-judge the 16 teams geared up for the 2011-12 Stanley Cup Playoffs. I only really paid attention to the Winnipeg Jets this year, and all the live games I managed to see this season were with teams that, consequently, missed the playoffs. Which is sort of like cheering for all the red-headed and albino kids in The Hunger Games.
Finally. After 301 days, 1230 games and eleventy billion unfunny Vancouver riot jokes, Wednesday will bring the return of NHL playoff hockey. Having learned absolutely nothing from the annual debacle of our regular season predictions — Leafs sneaking in, bah. Sabres winning the East, HA! — Pucked in the Head presents 2012 NHL Playoff Predictions… because dammit, that’s what loudmouthed fans with self-published blogs do.
As Boston Bruins resident spelling “champian” Brad Marchand prepares to return from his 5-game suspension for clipping Sami Salo, Chris Withers and Jason Kurylo gather a slew of four-letter words to dis #63. Chris probably sums it up best: “Hey Brad Marchand: Stop being such a f*cking douche.”
Continue reading Episode 43 – Brad Marchand is a douche
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There are plenty of numbers being thrown around regarding the Vancouver Canucks these days. Alain Vigneault recently became the winningest coach in team history, Henrik Sedin took the all-time assists lead in Canucks lore, and Daniel passed Stan Smyl for fourth in franchise scoring. But there are more! Today I focus on numbers – at the NHL level, in Canucks history and a set of personal numbers for good measure. Here you go, Seven Things about the NHL for December 20, 2011.
Continue reading 20 Dec 2011 – JagrWatch, Sedinery and the numbers game
Seven Things: 5 May 2011
1. Yesterday, Broad Street’s biggest bully, Chris Pronger, sat for the seventh time in this playoff. Hockey players are renowned for attempting to play through just about anything, as evidenced by Darryl Boyce only missing one regular season game when he nearly amputated his own nose, Mario Lemieux famously having teammates tie his skate laces before scoring four points during a Pittsburgh Stanley Cup run, or Manny “One-Eye” Malhotra’s recent experimentation with echolocation. Chris Pronger’s absence has been a far bigger deal in this series than any menage-a-trois in the Philly crease. The B’s just aren’t scared to go to the slot – with him in the lineup, that fear is always there. For a guy like Prongs to sit while his team goes down three-bagel, he’s got to be pretty much paralyzed from the chest down. Continue reading 5 May 2011 – Rip Van Roloson, 2nd Base, and the pros & cons of echolocation
