The Whitecaps handed out their club-sanctioned end of season awards on October 22, and it was pretty much what you’d expect. The suspense of just who exactly would go home with the Domenic Mobilio Golden Boot award (presented to the club’s leading goal-scorer) was undoubtedly the highlight of the afternoon. The anticipation was palpable until everyone realized that numerous stats pages across the internet had been keeping track of that information all season long. Buncha wet blankets.

Anyways, as I’m sure you have heard, we here at Pucked in the Head have our own end of season awards. Many deem these to in fact be the most prestigious of all awards available to professional soccer players annually based in Vancouver, BC from March until November.

Now that you’re all on the edge of your seats, I present to you the 2014 Whitecaps End of Season Awards Presented By A Blog With a Hockey-centric Title Yet Unabashedly Contains Content On a Wide Variety Of Sporting Endeavours. We’re still working on the name and hoping to have a slightly less verbose title for 2015.

Award Recipients:

Pine Pal Award: Paolo Tornaghi, the Whitecaps backup ‘keeper had ample time with the bench this season after watching David Ousted play every single minute of MLS action. In a post-season interview, the bench was quoted as saying “I can see why Paolo is so poplar. To cedar guy day in and day out aspen a dream.”

Needs a Lozenge Award: David Ousted had plenty to say after each and every defensive breakdown in front of him, and at a high decibel level. His vocal cords are just as deserving of a rest as the man is himself.

The Stoic Oak Award: Kendall Waston made a quick impression as a commodious Costa Rican after arriving in Vancouver at the transfer deadline. Tall and robust with an arboraceous demeanour and woody scent, the central defender goes about his business with exemplary aplomb.

The No Need for a Toupee Award: Russell Teibert’s legendary man-bun had some stiff competition. “Hairik Hairtado” pushed hard to be the victor with his ever- evolving Rufio-inspired fauxmo. But it’s difficult to overcome a front-page-worthy hairdo that may or may not threaten the very follicles of which it is composed.

The Turf Toe Award: Matias Laba may in fact be the physics breakthrough Swiss watchmakers have been searching for all these years. The man in perpetual motion eats up more real estate than Donald Trump during foreclosure season and seemingly never tires of it.

The Final Handshake Award: Omar Salgado spent a great deal of time throughout his tenure with Whitecaps FC trying to emerge from the proverbial doghouse. Well, he finally succeeded in not only escaping the doghouse, but the organization altogether (for all intents and purposes), the league and the country.

The Give That Man An Award Award: Mauro Rosales arrived late in the season but has been integral in the team’s impressive run to end the year. He has put in some stellar performances since joining the club and for that, I’ve decided he deserves an award.

The Deserves A Long Winter’s Nap Award: Jordan Harvey was a constant all year at left back. He led the team in minutes played (aside from GK Ousted) and in essence played 2 more games than everyone else on the squad (aside from GK Ousted). And in-between all that soccer playing, he still found time to cultivate and maintain one fabulous moustache.

The We Are All Whitecaps Award: The Curva Collective created a beautiful tifo in tribute to Whitecaps’ leading goal-scorer of all-time, Domenic Mobilio. To commemorate his induction into the Caps’ Ring of Honour, 170 soccer balls (matching the number of goals he scored for the club) were popped through the hole on the canvas portrait. Wonderfully touching, and wonderfully executed.

AWARDS BREAKDOWN:

–       2 awards make reference to trees
–       3 awards have sponsorship opportunities
–       6 awards are highly debatable
–       9 awards are complete malarkey
–       No awards are endorsed in any way by Whitecaps FC or MLS
–       8 of the award write-ups contain verbiage I was unaware existed prior to their composition.

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And with that, the 2014 edition of the Vancouver Whitecaps draws to a close. Despite the tough loss suffered to FC Dallas last week, the team has grown exponentially over the past eight months and enters this off-season with heaps of promise for next year. Carl Robinson has a solid foundation of young talent upon which to build and the addition of a couple of key pieces (namely a bona fide goal-scorer), we could indeed be watching the club host their first MLS postseason match next November.