Now that we’ve had a look at all 32 teams competing in Brazil, let’s take a look at where they stand. Please note: like all power rankings ever created, these are complete bullshit. These particular rankings do not necessarily reflect how good the teams actually are, or how they are playing. Rather, these rankings give us a chance to crack jokes and make snide comments.
CW — Chris Withers; JK — Jason Kurylo
32) Uruguay
New rule: lose to a CONCACAF team, and you get dropped to the bottom of the rankings. I’m not sure why I’m surprised. This is a team that managed a scoreless draw against Jordan at home in their final qualification game. Jordan. CW
31) Ghana
Sorry guys, but rules are rules. Look, you outplayed the USA and deserved better than a 2-1 loss, but you’ve got all the polish and finish of (somewhat ironically) a 400 lb American redneck in a barbecue sauce-stained tank top cruising up to the McDonald’s drive through in an 84 Dodge pickup at 3 in the morning. CW
30) Honduras
Fuck these guys and the bullet-ridden, thrice-carjacked bus they rode in on. The slaughter at the hands of the French is the first step in what’s sure to be an early exit for these assholes. You’d think they’d be more motivated to stay, given that the alternative is returning to Honduras where the largest export is stray bullets. (PS: CBC, I’m sure you must have footage of Honduras scoring goals against countries other than Canada. Please use some of it.) Spend a few weeks watching international football with fans of Canada’s men’s squad, and you’ll understand my unvarnished rage. CW
29) Australia
Australia is a terrifying place. Poisonous jellyfish, Vegemite, giant poisonous centipedes, Vegemite, and something called the Australian Paralysis Tick (!!?). The fates didn’t really need to add yet another way to go, yet here they are in a group with Chile, the Netherlands and Spain. Still, I can’t feel too bad for them. If you’re going to walk around with a name like the Socceroos, trouble will follow. CW
T-26) Iran
Dull, dull, dulley-dull, dull. The most exciting player on this team is legitimately Steven Beitashour. I probably would’ve ranked you 37th except you’ve got a cheetah on your kit. That’s kinda cool. CW
T-26) Nigeria
Somehow qualified for the World Cup with only 11 goals scored. Do not look capable of adding to that total. Couldn’t you guys have made way for Egypt or South Africa or someone else who would at least entertain us by being just happy to be here? CW
25) Portugal
Tough to tell if they were that bad or Germany were that good. Probably a little of both. Tumbled down the rankings for playing Pepe when you KNEW he was going to do something like that. You just knew it. Admit it. CW
24) Spain
Not much of a start for the Iberian Pensinsula, was it? You make me sad, Spain. Not because I like you. I don’t like you at all. But I do kinda like your fans, and you made your fans sad, and when your fans are sad, I get sad. CW
23) Algeria
We’re in the middle of the pack and we’re getting into countries where first of all, I don’t know enough about them to insult them, and second, I missed the actual game so I don’t have anything useful to say about their performance. You are forewarned. CW
22) Costa Rica
Probably deserved to be higher, as they were honestly pretty impressive against Uruguay. Bonus points for being the least fuckwaddish out of all the fuckwads to emerge from CONCACAF, but the bar was pretty damn low. CW
21) Cameroon
Guys, guys, guys. When FIFA incompetence works in your favour you need to seize the moment. You guys were GIFTED two terrible offside calls and couldn’t take advantage. You disappoint me, Cameroon. Tanzania wouldn’t have let me down like that. CW
20) Bosnia & Herzogovina
You make me root for Iran. No, not you. Him. CW
19) Ecuador
Coulda, shoulda, almost did, didn’t. Fortunately, your next two games are against the Hondurans and the French. CW
18) Croatia
Watching Croatia play is like watching a reenactment of some bizarre Lewis Carroll fever dream where the tablecloths in Wonderland all come to life and start playing uninspired soccer. CW
17) Russia
Korea don’t know how lucky they are. If they’d managed to win, Putin would’ve annexed them. Now they’ve got some time to prepare while he tries to figure the fastest way to land troops in Belgium. CW
16) South Korea
Crap. Putin just read our list. Based upon their numerical proximity, he’s now making plans to invade Zagreb and Seoul. Why oh why can’t countries on bullshit power ranking lists just get along? And for St Petersburg’s sake, why is this Putin fellow always shirtless on horseback? JK
15) Japan
Free idea for some sushi restaurant: The Ivory Coast Roll, commemorating Japan’s performance in their opening game. It would taste pretty good, but somewhere in the middle one of the pieces would be just absolutely foul, then it would get good again. Gotta hang on to that lead guys. CW
14) England
The only thing less interesting than English cuisine is English football. It’s no wonder the Premier League imports more players than just about any other league in Europe. These guys are kinda talented, I guess, but there’s no flair, no panache. It’s not fun to watch at all. It’s like watching a Bryan Adams concert, or seeing Stoke City score off a long throw. CW
13) United States
Clint Dempsey gave us a glimpse of the American flair for the dramatic, scoring in the first minute of their first game. He immediately proceeded to display another American pastime, prancing and preening for the next 90 minutes. The good news: a horseshoe up John Brooks’s arse is the sole reason they’ve got three points in Group G. The bad: they scored two goals against Ghana, equalling the number of countries they’re able to locate on a world map. JK
12) Belgium
Decent start. Could’ve been higher in the rankings, but I don’t care for Brussels sprouts. CW
11) Côte d’Ivoire
Movin’ on up in the world! Their only previous wins have been against Serbia & Montenegro and North Korea, so it’s kinda cool seeing these guys beat a country with, you know, infrastructure. Reasonable chance to get out of the group stage after that win. CW
10) France
Settle down, guys, you thrashed 10-man Honduras. I like that you thrashed 10-man Honduras, so I bumped you up a few spots. Don’t let it go to your heads. CW
9) Chile
Reasonably entertaining football, although they were playing the Aussies. Their hope now lies in Spain being so thoroughly defeated by the Netherlands that they don’t wake up in time for this one. CW
8) Columbia
I can only imagine how difficult it must be to play soccer knowing that if you screw up too badly there is a very real possibility you will actually be murdered. Given that kind of pressure, good showing so far. CW
7) Argentina
Not as impressive as I thought, but easily handled the second-best team in the group. And hey, anyone who beats The Bosnian Goalkeeper is all right by me. (This is another Canadian soccer thing, for the uninitiated. The Bosnian Goalkeeper used to be The Canadian Goalkeeper, until FIFA changed their rules and he hopped ship.)
6) Mexico
Manager Miguel Herrera has instilled in his squad some things that Mexican football fans have never seen before: team play, patience and discipline. Olympic gold winners in London, El Tri impressed everyone but the first assistant referee in game one against Cameroon. I’m in danger of writing something insightful here, so jalapeño sombrero burrito siesta tequila churro. JK
5) Italy
Blah blah blah Mario Balotelli etc etc Food Network yadda yadda Luciano Pavoratti badda bing badda boom pretty girls in face paint. JK
4) Switzerland
The Swiss fly up the rankings on the strength of a fantastic last-minute winner against Ecuador. Ask most non-soccer fans why they don’t like soccer, you’ll usually hear something about diving and feigning injury. So it was incredibly refreshing to see a Swiss player get absolutely levelled with a bodycheck, pop back up, and use the advantage to send his teammate in for the game winner. Don Cherry will give you a thumbs up as soon as he figures out where Switzerland is. CW
3) Brazil
If they can suppress opposition attacks as ruthlessly as Brazilian police are suppressing protests, they’ll probably win the tournament. CW
2) The Netherlands
Oranje might have topped the list on the strength of a 5-1 thrashing of the defending champions, not to mention a wondergoal by van Persie, but as long as Jonothan de Guzman plays for the Dutch, screw ’em. That guy in their starting lineup would have pushed them down more than one spot, except they’ve got this guy cheering them on. CW
1) Germany
Deutschland über alles! This team lost Marco Reus, then left Bastian Schweinsteiger and Lukas Podolski on the bench and STILL dismantled Portugal. The only thing about this team that isn’t absolutely beautiful is Mesut Özil’s face. UFO enthusiasts everywhere are printing out pictures of that man and accosting government officials, yelling, “SEE?? SEE!!??” CW
EDITOR’S NOTE: Embarrassingly, we forgot that Greece was playing in this tournament. Judging by their first game, so did Greece.